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Things the J-person SHOULD Have Said
(according to various aspects of Christianity)
Instead of saying, "It is not the will of the Father for any man to die", he
should have said, "Don't be concerned about dying, it's all part of the
Instead of saying, "Enter by the narrow gate, for the gate is wide and
the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are
many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard, that leads to life,
and those that find it are few." He should have said,
"Blessed be the sheep that stay with the flock, for they are the
faithful and will not be abandoned in the wilderness."
Instead of saying, "The truth will set you free" he should have said, "Take up
my name, go to church, sing the hymns and pray, and after you suffer the
slings and arrows of the vicissitudes of life and die, I will resurrect
you and then set you free."
Or, instead of saying, "The truth will set you free" he should have
said, "The truth along with good genes, good health, owning your own
home, being debt free along with several thousand shekels of wealth, a
fair amount of power and influence, being unmarried, and in good graces
with the government will set you relatively free from most mundane
Instead of saying, "Believe in me and you shall be saved" he should have said,
"Believe in the Bible, the priests and preachers, and the dogma, and you
will be saved later, maybe."
Instead of saying, "My sheep listen to ME", he should have said, "My sheep
go to church, stay awake and listen to the sermons, pay their tithes,
contribute funds, support the program, and don't make too many waves."
of saying, "And this IS the life source of the ages (salvation), that they understand you and he whom
you have sent", he should have said, "Don't try to understand the
Father, for who can understand his ways? His ways are past understanding."
Instead of saying, "That one (the holy spirit) will lead you into all the truth"
he should have said, "That one will lead you to better reflect my
character through trying hard to behave and being religious."
Instead of saying, "That one (the holy spirit) will teach you all things", he
should have said, "Don't be so arrogant that you think you can know ALL the
truth, but that one will teach you enough to get by. You may still be confused,
so that your faith might be tested."
Instead of saying, "My sheep listen to MY voice.
and they follow ME; and I give them everlasting life, and in no
way will they die in this age.",
he should have said, "My sheep hear the voice of Peter and Paul, Hebrew
and Christian tradition and the most charismatic evangelists. No big
deal that they suffer, age and die because I will resurrect them to be
glorious servants of mine and they shall sing for me."
Instead of saying, "It is finished", he should have said, "It has just started,
and will continue for centuries if not millennia."
Instead of saying, "I have come that they might have life, and have it more
abundantly", he should have said, "I have come so that they can cope
with hope for a life in the hereafter."
Instead of saying, "He that believes in me shall never die", he should have
said, "He that believes in me can die more comfortably now with their faith
in a resurrection."
Instead of saying, “I
am the door of the sheep. All who came before me are thieves and robbers”,
he should have said, "I am just the latest door of the sheep. All who
came before me, except, of course, for those wonderful, infallible prophets and
canon writers, are thieves and robbers.”
of saying, "He who chooses what to believe within me has life
everlasting. I am the bread of life. Your fathers ate the manna in the
wilderness, and THEY DIED. This now is the bread from heaven coming
down, that a man may eat of it and NOT DIE.", he should have said, "This
now is the bread from heaven coming down, that a man may eat of it and,
well, DIE JUST LIKE YOUR FATHERS but with keener hope.”
Instead of saying, "If any man keeps within my words of reason, he will in no
way taste death ever.", he should have said, "If any man keeps within my
words of reason, and uses Peter and Paul to translate for you what I
really meant, he will just die like everyone else, but now with his name in
the book of life, and hope for being resurrected and included later.”
of saying, "He who loves his life will lose it, but he who despises his
life in this world will keep it for everlasting life.", he should have
said, "He who stays in denial, puts on a good face and praises god for
this miserable life, will nevertheless die but with a soothing
conviction that they will be resurrected to glory.”
Instead of saying, "For I came not that I might judge the world, but that I
might save the world.", he should have said, "For I came not that I
might judge the world, but that I might show everybody up for being the weak,
miserable sinning worms that they truly are, and then they can accept my grace.”
Instead of saying, "A new directive I give to you, that you love one another as
I have loved you.", he should have said, "A new directive I give to you,
that you bust a gut trying to love one another as I have loved you.
However of course, don't get the idea that you can truly do this, and the object person
probably will not feel the difference, but MY righteousness will make up the lack for you.”
Instead of saying, "By this will all men know that you are my disciples, that
you have love for one another", he should have said, "By this will all
men know that you are my disciples, that you proudly proclaim your Christianity,
vigorously defend the dogma, try to suppress your sensuality,
practice good demeanor and politics and try to carry an air of virtue, get some
credentials to be a priest or pastor, curry favor and get elected to deaconship or
eldership, or at least light some candles. By the way, do your confessions
and don't die where the last rights cannot be administered.”
Instead of saying, "I am the way, the truth, and the light.", he should have
said, "Being religious, believing the Bible, and going to church to show
your solidarity and nourish your spirit is the way, the truth, and the
Instead of saying, "The one believing in me will also produce the results that I
do, and greater than these will he produce, BECAUSE I go to the father",
he should have said, "You should believe in me, but don’t expect too
much in the way of happy results, for your lot is to languish in this
world of woe after I have gone to the father, until I get around to
coming again as the all-powerful sovereign of the universe and really set things straight
by assigning all people either to dwell in heaven or burn in hell.”
Instead of saying, "If you fast and pray, you will bring sin unto yourself, he
should have said, "If you fast and pray, you will earn special points and
stars in your crown. A side benefit is that you can feel proud and you will also look good to other
self-righteous people in the church."
Instead of saying, "Come unto me all of you that labor and are heavily
laden, and I will give you rest. For my yoke is pleasant and my burden
light.", he should have said, "Come unto me and I will require you to
reprogram yourselves to my specifications, and I will demand that you be
willing to sacrifice yourself for my cause and my glory even unto the
point of martyrdom, even to the point of being burned at the stake."
Instead of saying, "I came to serve, not to be served", he should have
said, "I came to justify my demand that you serve me beyond all other
Instead of saying, "But when you pray, go into your room and close the
door, and pray to your Father in secret..."; he should have said, "It
is a great honor when you are asked to pray in public up on the stage,
but you will get scant extra attention from the Father."
Instead of saying, "But when you give alms, do not let your left hand
know what your right hand is doing, so that your alms may be in secret;
and your Father who sees in secret will reward you", he should have
said, "When you give alms and it is honored in public, it helps inspire
other donors to contribute."
Instead of saying, "Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth,
where moth and rust consume and where thieves break in and steal, but
lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust
consumes and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your
treasure is, there will you heart be also." He should have added, "But
of course, you should lay up enough on earth for a comfortable
retirement, and not worry about too much padding because your Father is
graciously in the forgiving business, and besides, you may not make the